it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
