you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
