in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
