how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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