Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
