i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
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