His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Send help, water and tortillas.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
