I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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