My friends, they love my intelligence
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
