haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
