hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
