So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
