Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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