good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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