are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
