there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
