peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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