I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
