my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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