You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
