I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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