we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize