I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
