No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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