Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
