You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
