She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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