We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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