I looked at my own cervix.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
