Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
