what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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