So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
