I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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