I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
