I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
