sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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