You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
