the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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