**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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