I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
