seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she smelled like a LAN party
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
