you're like a bully in the Christmas story
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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