Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
