my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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