Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
there is glitter all over my balls
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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