I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
