I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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