Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
