i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
