Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
