Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
do herpes really smell.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
