TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
i out mim tonsoeep
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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